Monday 21 October 2002
I went to see my psychologist today, and I felt worse after the visit. I need a new one, a good shrink is hard to find, most of them have more patients than they have time for, so all they really end up doing is writing your prescription for your medication. Usually talking helps, but when you are talking to someone who has little interest or concern for what you're saying it doesn't help. I've had no motivation lately for work. I like the classes I'm taking, they are subjects I'm interested in, but I can't get motivated to read for one of them and can't get into doing lab write ups for the others. I just don't care sometimes. And I feel like no-one is listening, I tell them I have no motivation and they just tell me that I have to look past it and force myself to do it. I'm tired of pushing myself, even when I did have the motivation I always pushed myself harder than I should have. I don't want to do it anymore. I want time for me, I want time to breath. Even when I 'relax', I have trouble really relaxing. I just don't want to do anything and I get mad at myself for not having the discipline I once had. I hate it, I feel like a failure and just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. I don't want to do this anymore. Sometimes I don't even want to be here. I was so set in what I wanted to do, now I don't even have the motivation to sign up for the GRE or the desire to look at Grad. schools. I feel useless to myself. Today has been a very bi-polar day, one extreme to the next. I know after I finally went to bed at about 1:00 AM this morning I was clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth so hard that I woke up in the middle of the night (well, morning actually). I may not be aware of everything bothering me, but my subconscience knows, I think that's why I rarely have a moment of peace. My walk last night was great and very calming. I went for one tonight and it settled me a little, but once I got back to my dorm room I wanted to break down. I feel like I can't do this anymore. I know my ultimate goal, but getting there has been a bitch, and I just don't know if I'm cut out for the road ahead.
I went to see my psychologist today, and I felt worse after the visit. I need a new one, a good shrink is hard to find, most of them have more patients than they have time for, so all they really end up doing is writing your prescription for your medication. Usually talking helps, but when you are talking to someone who has little interest or concern for what you're saying it doesn't help. I've had no motivation lately for work. I like the classes I'm taking, they are subjects I'm interested in, but I can't get motivated to read for one of them and can't get into doing lab write ups for the others. I just don't care sometimes. And I feel like no-one is listening, I tell them I have no motivation and they just tell me that I have to look past it and force myself to do it. I'm tired of pushing myself, even when I did have the motivation I always pushed myself harder than I should have. I don't want to do it anymore. I want time for me, I want time to breath. Even when I 'relax', I have trouble really relaxing. I just don't want to do anything and I get mad at myself for not having the discipline I once had. I hate it, I feel like a failure and just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. I don't want to do this anymore. Sometimes I don't even want to be here. I was so set in what I wanted to do, now I don't even have the motivation to sign up for the GRE or the desire to look at Grad. schools. I feel useless to myself. Today has been a very bi-polar day, one extreme to the next. I know after I finally went to bed at about 1:00 AM this morning I was clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth so hard that I woke up in the middle of the night (well, morning actually). I may not be aware of everything bothering me, but my subconscience knows, I think that's why I rarely have a moment of peace. My walk last night was great and very calming. I went for one tonight and it settled me a little, but once I got back to my dorm room I wanted to break down. I feel like I can't do this anymore. I know my ultimate goal, but getting there has been a bitch, and I just don't know if I'm cut out for the road ahead.
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