Friday 27 September 2002
Its hard feeling as if you have lost control of all that you are. One minute you know who you are and what you want, then in the next its all gone. Wednesday was a bad day, I lost control. When you are honest with people you tend to expect the same in return, and when someone has given you that honesty before, you expect them to continue to give it. Then one day it happens, and they hide something from you. Everything goes horribly wrong, you argue, and then you swear to yourself that you don't need them, you're worth more than that. And at the same time, you're yelling at yourself, telling yourself you're an idiot because you know what this person has done to other people, it was bound to happen to you. So what do you do? You could could write about it, or exercise it off. But you choose another way, you Rage. Eventhough you know its not worth it, you loose control and find yourself crying uncontrolablly and using your mattress as a punching bag for about 30 minutes. But hitting something isn't quite enough to sait your rage, so you turn on yourself. In between punching your mattress or closet door, you tear at your arm with your fingernails. After all this, is when you run it off. Afterwards everything is ok and you decide that you will be fine. So what do you do when you can't stop thinking about the person that hurt you? What if it still hurts and everytime you think of what happened it makes you sick and all you want to do is puke? Yet you know you are better off without them, and that they are better off without you. I finally know why they say love is tantalising; like the Greek mythological figure Tantalus, who is suspended in the air, water and food just out of arm's reach, you are hanging, with your desires so close, but so far. It's funny how you think you're over someone and you've accepted their choice to be with someone else instead of you, and how that all shatters when they tell you they are breaking it off with that person. Perhaps you have a chance? Not on your life, they choose someone else over you.
Its hard feeling as if you have lost control of all that you are. One minute you know who you are and what you want, then in the next its all gone. Wednesday was a bad day, I lost control. When you are honest with people you tend to expect the same in return, and when someone has given you that honesty before, you expect them to continue to give it. Then one day it happens, and they hide something from you. Everything goes horribly wrong, you argue, and then you swear to yourself that you don't need them, you're worth more than that. And at the same time, you're yelling at yourself, telling yourself you're an idiot because you know what this person has done to other people, it was bound to happen to you. So what do you do? You could could write about it, or exercise it off. But you choose another way, you Rage. Eventhough you know its not worth it, you loose control and find yourself crying uncontrolablly and using your mattress as a punching bag for about 30 minutes. But hitting something isn't quite enough to sait your rage, so you turn on yourself. In between punching your mattress or closet door, you tear at your arm with your fingernails. After all this, is when you run it off. Afterwards everything is ok and you decide that you will be fine. So what do you do when you can't stop thinking about the person that hurt you? What if it still hurts and everytime you think of what happened it makes you sick and all you want to do is puke? Yet you know you are better off without them, and that they are better off without you. I finally know why they say love is tantalising; like the Greek mythological figure Tantalus, who is suspended in the air, water and food just out of arm's reach, you are hanging, with your desires so close, but so far. It's funny how you think you're over someone and you've accepted their choice to be with someone else instead of you, and how that all shatters when they tell you they are breaking it off with that person. Perhaps you have a chance? Not on your life, they choose someone else over you.
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