Friday 25 October 2002

I'm really starting to get frustrated. I thought Andrew and I were dating but apparently I am wrong since I haven't heard from him in going on 3 weeks now. So I'm starting to think that I'm not meant to have a boyfriend. Gah, whatever. I'm so sick of bullshit, I have enough other stuff to deal with without taking shit from a guy too. I'm really tired of telling myself that he is just busy with Biochemistry since it seems that he can find time to spend with his male friends. Its great having mutual friends. What really amazes me is my own stupidity. But that's ok. I keep telling myself that I wont let it happen again, yet here I am. I just need to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt and stop putting the good above the bad. Oh well. Unless Andrew comes to me and can explain what the hell has been going on and show me that he is deserving of my time; Game Over - Thanks for Playing.

Thursday 24 October 2002

Lately I have been at a loss as to what I want to do after college. I had always planned on going to Grad school and getting my PhD. But yesterday I decided that I've had my fill of the classroom. I want to get out and do things, I want to apply my knowledge and do research. So I've made my decision, I'm not going to Grad school, I'm going to work after I graduate in the spring. Hopefully I can get a position at a wildlife rehabilitation centre or refuge. I know I will be much happier that way.

Monday 21 October 2002

I went to see my psychologist today, and I felt worse after the visit. I need a new one, a good shrink is hard to find, most of them have more patients than they have time for, so all they really end up doing is writing your prescription for your medication. Usually talking helps, but when you are talking to someone who has little interest or concern for what you're saying it doesn't help. I've had no motivation lately for work. I like the classes I'm taking, they are subjects I'm interested in, but I can't get motivated to read for one of them and can't get into doing lab write ups for the others. I just don't care sometimes. And I feel like no-one is listening, I tell them I have no motivation and they just tell me that I have to look past it and force myself to do it. I'm tired of pushing myself, even when I did have the motivation I always pushed myself harder than I should have. I don't want to do it anymore. I want time for me, I want time to breath. Even when I 'relax', I have trouble really relaxing. I just don't want to do anything and I get mad at myself for not having the discipline I once had. I hate it, I feel like a failure and just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. I don't want to do this anymore. Sometimes I don't even want to be here. I was so set in what I wanted to do, now I don't even have the motivation to sign up for the GRE or the desire to look at Grad. schools. I feel useless to myself. Today has been a very bi-polar day, one extreme to the next. I know after I finally went to bed at about 1:00 AM this morning I was clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth so hard that I woke up in the middle of the night (well, morning actually). I may not be aware of everything bothering me, but my subconscience knows, I think that's why I rarely have a moment of peace. My walk last night was great and very calming. I went for one tonight and it settled me a little, but once I got back to my dorm room I wanted to break down. I feel like I can't do this anymore. I know my ultimate goal, but getting there has been a bitch, and I just don't know if I'm cut out for the road ahead.

Monday 21 October 2002

People must think I'm stupid. My ex IMed me again appologising for hurting me and pissing me off, wanting to hang out and wanting sex. I'm no idiot, nor will I be toyed with. I will not take him back again, it would be foolish. I'm worth more than that, I deserve more devotion than that. He can be a sweet guy, but he's restless. And I'm ok, I'm not going to let this get to me. I'm calm and quite relaxed, thanks to the full moon. I know who I am, I know what I want, and no one is going to take me from my path.

A sense of self-worth is the best defence anyone can have, and I thank Gaia for giving me a purpose and sense of worth. Its really amazing what nature can do, and how it can make you feel. I know a lot of people can't understand that, so many of us are removed from nature. But there are a few of us who still keep it close. Somehow being connected to vast powers that we can never fully understand is soothing, and that is where I find my inner peace, in nature. Each of us has a source that we can tap into for serenity, it just may take longer for some to find theirs.

Thanks for playing.

Thursday 10 October 2002


Well, yesterday was a hoot. I had a midterm at 8:00 am, another midterm at 9:30 am, and then class at 11:00 am, not to mention I only got about four hours of sleep the night before. So between the lack of sleep and mass amounts of caffeine I was a bubble of energy and I think its still running through me today. Things have been odd lately. For example, my ex contacts me on Monday and asks if I want to have sex with him. Now he is supposedly happy and has a great girlfriend, and he obviously didn't want a relationship with me, because he chose his current girl over being with me.... So why is he calling me asking if I want to fuck? Sorry buds, but I'm worth more than that. I'm no one's bitch. I've also been having really weird dreams lately, borderline nightmares even. Its creepy. Well, I think I hear my laundry calling me, I should probablly wash it before it gets up and takes itself down to the laundry room. Caio.

Wednesday 2 October 2002



I awoke this morning with a new outlook on life. And how appropriate for the month of the final harvest. Last night questions I had held for five or six years were finally answered. While they may not have been the answers I had hoped for, my mind was put at ease and my curriosity saited. My best friend and I have a very intimate emotional relationship but have never been more than friends. I had always wondered what it would have been like to be more. I have known for about three years that he is gay. I had accepted this and respected this and I still do, I wouldn't change him for anything. Last night I got the answers I needed and even though my friend didn't share my curriosity, for the first time, in a long time, I am happy. I woke up this morning with new hope and realised that there is someone out there, somewhere, for me. For a while I had given up on the idea of soulmates. Now I'm starting to believe more than ever, that we can have more than one, and that perhaps there is more than one type of soulmate. I know I have found one, now if I can find another just like him who is straight, my life will be complete. Thank you so much Brian, I love you.


Lately I have been contemplating that maybe there are things about me that I need to change. But, my friend has convinced me to be no one but myself. I know a lot of people have come and gone in my life and for the longest time I blamed myself. I had thought that something was wrong with me, that I was too honest, that I needed to hold back more and be quiet and docile, like women were once expected to be. But I'm happy with who I am and people need to accept me for me. If they can't do that, well that's their problem. Life is a game, but there are no winners or losers, we all face the same trials. People will come and go, that's the way it works. We can't try to please everyone because its an impossible feat and we will only break ourselves in the process. So if people walk out on you, don't beat yourself up over it; if they can't handle you for you, then they aren't worth it. Well, that's my yard of yarn for the day. As for those people who have come and gone in my life; Thanks for playing.