Friday 22 November 2002

So we are on break for college now. Our 12 week is over and I am so relieved and happy. Our 3 week class starts on 2 December, so I'll be driving back to Ohio on the 1 December. But for right now, I'm just going to enjoy break and being home in Maryland. So I've been thinking about something I heard on the radio a while back; It was about how the number of people donating blood has dropped drastically. I think only 30% give blood (if I remember correctly). But do people think about all the diseases that are transfered via blood? Have they considered that the number of people who have a blood carried disease has increased drastically in the past few years? That perhaps the number of people who can't give blood has grown? Really, I mean if I could give blood I would; but I can't because I was given Hepatitis C during a blood transfusion in 1983. But those are just my theories on why the number of people giving blood has dropped.

Eh I think that's all for now. Remember kids, spay or neuter your pets!

Tuesday 19 November 2002


Its funny, we were giving presentations today in animal behaviour class and I noticed something; in experiments where students tested for learning ability, a negative stimulus had more of an impact on the animals than a positive one. For example, one group tested colour preference and association in lady bugs using negative stimuli (heat and ice). The lady bugs seemed to have learned to associate a colour with heat or ice and when placed in the same type of container without the stimulus, avoided the colour that the stimulus had been placed with. However in my experiment with crab spiders, I tested colour association with a positive stimulus (a food source). But the spiders didn't learn to associate colour with prey and when placed in a container lined half with the colour the prey were to be associated with and half with another colour, the spiders did not spend more time on the colour expected compared to the other colour. Why is it that negative experiences are always better remembered than positive ones? Pain and pleasure have different sensory locations inside the brain so maybe the pain centre is larger than the pleasure centre and that is why more information is retained on negative things instead of positive things. Oh well, just my theory. Well, I think its time for bed now.

Saturday 9 November 2002

Written 21 March 2002

Ode to Love

I dreamt of you face down
in the river. Somewhere near
the overgrown path that was
once an old cattle run.
Marsh gas, it was suffocating.
Leaf-broken light played over
the rippling water ‘round your body –
as if it were a mere toy.
Gold was zipping about the trees –
the birds were going about their business.
Twit, twit, twit, was the sound that
echoed on the breeze. Ha! How ironic.
Russet shadows crept their way along the ground,
drowning you in their dying glow.

Saturday 9 November 2002
Hell's Bells

Hell is loving someone so much it hurts.
It's hurting until you feel numb
Hell is loving someone and knowing you can never have them.
It's falling so hard for someone that you can't walk away.
Hell is being awake and not knowing where you are.
It's wanting to put your foot on the gas and fly into the car comming the other way.
Hell is loving and not being loved.
It's having your whole life ahead of you and not wanting to live

Saturday 9 November 2002

Have you ever wondered how long it would take for people to find your body if you killed yourself? Ever wondered, how many people would wonder what happened to you if you dissapeared for a while? How many days would it take before people found my body? If I have 2800mg of my medication, which is 7 times the amount that can be safely taken in a 24 hour period, and I take it all at once, how long would it take to kill me? Happy thoughts right? I don't know what to do, or where to go. I can never have what makes me happy. It really sucks knowing you can never have the person you love. It really sucks not being able to do what makes you happy. I feel empty and numb, so what does that make me? I'm lost, I could take this opportunity to set things right in my classes, but I just don't care. I don't know if I care enough to set them right, I know I should but I lack the motivation. Does there come a day where the phoenix can no longer rise?

Friday 8 November 2002

I have been way too emotional this past week, I hate it. I'm really depressed and getting suicidal. I'm frustrated with classes again, I have no motivation and I just don't care anymore. I want to be out of here. I feel pretty worthless, like people's lives would be better without me. I'm starting to think I'm not good enough for anyone. I'm just too messed up to be good for anyone. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Friday 1 November 2002
It's My Life

It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
~ Bon Jovi - It's My Life




A belated All Hollows to you all. Last eve was fun and it was good to get out into nature with my fellow witches. Our new year is here, and it feels good. I'm optimistic about my future for once and its a great feeling. Harm None.