Sunday 29 September 2002
Here With Me



It's been a long, long time since I looked into the mirror
I guess that I was blind
Now my reflection's getting clearer
Now that you're gone things will never be the same again

There's not a minute that goes by every hour of every day
You're such a part of me
But I just pulled away
Well, I'm not the same girl
you used to know
I wish I said the words I never showed

I know you had to go away
I died just a little, and I feel it now
You're the one I need
I believe that I would cry just a little
Just to have you back now
Here with me
Here with me

You know that silence is loud when all you hear is your heart
And I wanted so badly just to be a part of something strong and true
But I was scared and left it all behind

I know you had to go away
I died just a little, and I feel it now
You're the one I need
I believe that I would cry just a little
Just to have you back now
Here with me
Here with me

And I'm asking
And I'm wanting you to come back to me
Please?

I never will forget that look upon
your face
How you turned away and left
without a trace
But I understand that you did what you had to do
And I thank you

I know you had to go away
I died just a little, and I feel it now
You're the one I need
I believe that I would cry just a little
Just to have you back now
Here with me
Here with me


"Here With Me" - Michelle Branch



This song just about sums up how I've been feeling lately. Its frustrating, knowing you are better off apart, yet longing for the person at the same time. And its scary, to think that someone has that much control of your heart and emotions. But you know that they're not worth your pain and you keep telling yourself this. Yet somehow, they find their way into your thoughts, and you can't get away. So what do you do? I don't know, but I do know that I am tired of being lonely. I have friends here in college, but I don't click with them emotionally like I do with my three friends back at home. I really think that is part of my problem. And it really sucks knowing that no one here at college can give me what I need. I feel trapped.

Friday 27 September 2002

Its hard feeling as if you have lost control of all that you are. One minute you know who you are and what you want, then in the next its all gone. Wednesday was a bad day, I lost control. When you are honest with people you tend to expect the same in return, and when someone has given you that honesty before, you expect them to continue to give it. Then one day it happens, and they hide something from you. Everything goes horribly wrong, you argue, and then you swear to yourself that you don't need them, you're worth more than that. And at the same time, you're yelling at yourself, telling yourself you're an idiot because you know what this person has done to other people, it was bound to happen to you. So what do you do? You could could write about it, or exercise it off. But you choose another way, you Rage. Eventhough you know its not worth it, you loose control and find yourself crying uncontrolablly and using your mattress as a punching bag for about 30 minutes. But hitting something isn't quite enough to sait your rage, so you turn on yourself. In between punching your mattress or closet door, you tear at your arm with your fingernails. After all this, is when you run it off. Afterwards everything is ok and you decide that you will be fine. So what do you do when you can't stop thinking about the person that hurt you? What if it still hurts and everytime you think of what happened it makes you sick and all you want to do is puke? Yet you know you are better off without them, and that they are better off without you. I finally know why they say love is tantalising; like the Greek mythological figure Tantalus, who is suspended in the air, water and food just out of arm's reach, you are hanging, with your desires so close, but so far. It's funny how you think you're over someone and you've accepted their choice to be with someone else instead of you, and how that all shatters when they tell you they are breaking it off with that person. Perhaps you have a chance? Not on your life, they choose someone else over you.

Tuesday 24 September 2002


You have heard the expression "Honesty is the best policy" right? Well, is it really? I've always been honest with people, no matter what. But sometimes being honest just puts too much pressure and crap on a person. And that's not what I want to do. I may put a friend in a difficult spot by being honest, and then I feel guilty for doing that to them. So what should you do? Is honesty always the best policy? Maybe it is, and its just all in the timeing.

Monday 23 September 2002


Have you ever had a day where you were completely composed and then one thing happens and poof, your mind set is all screwed up. I guess it happens. There is a saying: "If you love something let it go. If it returns to you, it was meant to be." Well, its not true. Its difficult to accept, fate is cruel, and just because something released returns to you, doesn't mean it was meant to be. I've seen it enough times to know. I mean why do relationships have to be so complicated? Why is there always so much crap involved? I would just love to be able to be involved with a person, get what I need, give them what they need, and not have to worry about emotional baggage. I experienced this Friday night and it was the greatest thing in the world. However, I would only do this with a person I considered a friend. Its much safer that way. Its good to take chances in life, just make sure you don't get hurt in the process or hurt anyone else.