Sunday 8 December 2002

How far can our love for someone push us? Can it push us to two different extremes? I would do anything for my friend, I'm worried about him. But what do you do when they suddenly turn cold towards you? They expect you to be there for them when they need you, yet when you need them they blow you off. I'm to the point with this friend wher I feel like saying 'screw it, I don't know you anymore'. I want to walk away and let him deal with his life on his own. But at the same time, I still care and I don't want to turn my back on him. I feel I'm taken for granted, and this whole thing is ripping away at me. I'm angry, and in my mind I'm ready to say 'that's it I'm done'; but when I try to stick to that I feel wrenched and sick inside, my heart is pulling the other way. This isn't a good situation for me, mentally or physically. My emotions and energy are drained; why should I pour them into someone who doesn't even care that I care and worry? He's become selfish lately, and I can't handle that.... Or maybe he was always selfish, and I was just too blind to see...

Pour your love and enery into animals; they can give back so much more and apprechieate your efforts far better than any human ever can.

Saturday 7 December 2002

My Thanksgiving break was alright; in a way it was a bit of an awakening. I always knew that my views were different from those of my family, but over the break I began to see just how far I have drifted from them. I don't know if I want to go back home after college, I don't know if I could live there. But I did get to see one of my best friends while I was home. I spent two days with him and his family, it was relaxing.

As for my 3 week class, well for statistics its going ok. But nothing too exciting. I've been trying to calm myself by going out to the Portage county Animal Protection League and the college field station. It helps for a time, but I find that once I get back to my dorm room everything is still there floating over my head.

I feel torn in two actually. I'm worried about a close friend who is having self destructive thoughts and it really bothers me. But at the same time I know that no matter how much I want to, I can't save him. It has to be something he does for himself, and I'm scared. I don't know what to do, but I'm willing to do what I have to to help him.